you – a fictionism for saying... I was still there?

a fictionism for...

Paul Cézanne, Harlequin, 1888-1890

I knew every single time
you unlocked my window
and entered my bedroom
my harlequin,
my real and immediately my creature,
my double, and my path
that you would be the one
I accepted you to be,
the one you decided yourself
to dress up, to then arise
being that strange girl,
who appeared to be another lover,
an extent of mine, a double,
but just one of the same?

A creatureyou!
that wanted to become a creator as well, huh?
Yes, youa real man I asked once
to take me away from my own face…
Yes, youthat young woman, just like me,
as a double, who I allowed to penetrate my realm…
Dressed in blue eyes, in that beautiful unknown face,
and fictioni(li)zed as someone out of patterns, you…
through a myriad of qualities and vests and titles
you never had
you would never wear and be…

I always knew
you were not who you appeared to be
but I have never closed the door upon you
I have never taken back the key
I had given you, remember?
“The key to my heart,”
to my dreams and wild imagination…
I only reiterated that motion of love
when you came to me rekindled in those blue eyes
Oh, and how strongly and deeply
and delicately I loved
your blue eyes, my harlequin
Not because they were blue
not even because they were much prettier
but because they were always your eyes…

In reality, I always knew you were that real
man I intended to cuddle
since the very beginning
and dance with, and pour out to,
and share with and get a hold on…
I have never neglected your presence, my harlequin,
never ever let you in dark or absence
when you seemed to want
more and more, or just exactly in a fair way
from my words to my feelings…

And then, for any reason,
you decided to stop being that enchanted man
to start over by being an enchanted mask
I have never closed my window upon
Yourekindled but one of the same, yes?
Dressed in blue eyes, with all those imaginary
qualities and titles and thoughts and gifts…
but the same man, that same real, no?

I knew by advance that you could be being an attachment,
that same man for whom I had professed a miracle
a miracle of love, of sharing, of living together
Not even from that on,
when you asked for my love once again,
I closed my door for you, did I?
Not even when you came to me
as that unknown person dressed in uncertainty
with a fake voice and another discourse
maybe to impress me, or just to hurt me
not even then I said to you:
“Back off, you are not allowed to enter here as a persona
because what I want is a person,
you as that same person.”

I had ever told you that for me
love passed like acceptance
forgiveness, and movement…
I have always shown you that for me
it was not important that you were a genius,
someone with their abundance of $$$ kabooms,
or just fucked up, off course, some kind…
I admired you and wanted you just as you,
my long-standing harlequin,
wanted to come up with
as if youan architect
as if youa physicist
as if youanyone up to love me…

But then, being the same person,
this or that persona as well,
you seemed to forge a kingdom of masks
designed to hurt me deeply
as if paying me back
for something I never did to you…

If I decided to let you
go on in your deviations, my harlequin,
it was because I wanted you to just know:
“My love is not tuned to a vest
to a sheet of paper, to the color of your eyes
or skin or trips around the world you told me about…
Not even to your mom and dad
extremely powerful and wealthy…”
No, my love was that time bigger and generous
didn’t you realize?
at which point I was willing to let you be
whoever you wanted to
didn’t you understand this hint?

I did it, and you know that,
Mr. Pray in my close language number one…
I expected you not to disclose your blue-eyed fictionism
I wanted you not to tell me whatever
that you were in the position
to pay back some disaffection you believed
some day coming from me
back in the day,
and as you deliriously trusted that time…

I expected you to at least recognize that we fall,
we break down, we love,
we stumble into a myriad of
failure and masks and torments in life
but we are as well up to overlook,
to forgive, to wish a start-over
why not?

What I did was to subtly try to say to you:
“No reason to despair, I am here love, don’t you see?”
“I know you are that same young and magic man”
“Why do you believe so strongly that I did not recognize you?”

Weren’t you up to sense that I was actually
giving us another chance?
dressed in blue eyes, just like you wanted to?
who cared? I really didn’t!

Why did you never tell me the truth
if I always attempted to say
even if it was extremely subtly
to not disclose your secret
to not tear you down
to not bring you much more pain
that I would accept you in my life
irrespective of how real
or how fictionized you were?
Why, Mr. Love?
Why did you close the door upon me then?
Didn’t I chime in with
the creature you designed to
embrace me one more time?
Didn’t I take part in your game
without dismantling
that incredible, beautiful blue-eyed persona
you manufactured to be in touch with me?

What we doubly lived, Mr. Love of Mine,
was but a miracle itself, no?


maryllu said…
arlequinices! Viva!
maryllu said…
a persona na pessoa
Larissa said…
Sinto o mesmo de sempre: encanto por palavras suas, pelo seu jeito de escrever, pelo modo como vc faz o leitor desejar ler mais e mais.
E quero o mesmo de sempre: te ver bem e feliz.
E amo, amo-a sempre - cada vez mais.

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